Mortifying Massage

I can't believe I am going to re-live this to tell you what happened. 

Okay, so I am from Scotland which is part of the UK and in the UK people can be a little prudish about thing, such as naked spas or naked beaches. To my knowledge we don't have either of the 2 in Scotland but I could be wrong. I didn't even know naked spas where a thing! I thought it was a horror tale that people used to try shock you with. But no, they're real I learnt the hard way! 

THEY ARE REAL!

Now at the start of this horrifying tale I still didn't know they were real at this point. Alona and I  were feeling brave and booked a message (separately) and it was for 90 minutes, we were on holiday so I couldn't really read what the details were but what is the worst that could happen?

I put on my swim suit and a towel dressing gown thing. I headed to the massage place. I was taken by a lady into a small room and then I started to panic. What the hell was I doing? I started to get very nervous as my mind ran away from me I had no idea what to expect. The lady was lovely as I stood blankly and staring at me she started talking and I couldn't understand. I asked gently if she spoke English and she replied again. She was saying countries in what seemed like a Slavic language, it it sounds kind of like Slovak so I guess it is Russian. She said about 8 different countries, what was going on? ''Scotland'', I replied assuming she was guessing where I was from.  She continued speaking, it must have been apparent I was not going to get it so she started gesturing. As I have never had a massage I couldn't even have used logic to work out what she meant. But looking back she did have a badge on with 8 country flags on it so I think she was listing the languages we could talk in! 

She was stroking her own arm and then the other one, yes a message I said. I was far too polite to do what I wanted which was to run away! Then she started tugging at the top of her t-shirt. Blank I had nothing. No clue. She walked over to me and tugged my towel rope. I felt so stupid she obviously wanted me to take it off. I took it off and I was freezing - that thing was warm. 

She pointed to my swim suit. Surely she didn't want me to take that off too!! Oh, but she did and in return handed me a paper thong. Kill me now this is my worst nightmare. As I stood infront of her she kindly took my arm and sat me down.

Please someone help me. I still had 87 mintues to go! And it got far worse!

As I stared at myself in the mirror wondering what was in store for me a warm substance was smeered across my back, it was mud! It was a mud message... what ever that meant! So she covered my back in mud then after she was done I had to then lie on my back facing the ceiling.

She started with my torso covering me in mud, it was warm so that was good because I was cold. After she went onto my arms, which she tried to move but they were like metal poles locked in place I was so tense. She left my arms and headed for my legs. Well there's no going back now. She went to the bottom of the bed and put my foot on her shoulder and went right up and I mean, right up, my leg! Right to the very top of my thigh, then the other leg.

Okay so I am now naked with a paper thong on covered in mud; horror pure prudish UK horror.

She stood to one of my sides and leant over me and from something attached to the side of the bed pulled out a gaint piece of cling film and clingfilmed me to the bed! Was not expecting that! As she mummfied my muddy body to the bed from my toes to the top of my neck I wasn't able to move. As my life flashed before my eyes she proceeded to place towels over the cling film then I think rocks but I couldn't see so who knows. I'll just hope they where rocks and not something weird.

After she was done she then closed the door behind my head. I thought this would be the perfect way to decapitate someone. Then the door bounced off the frame and was left a jar and I could hear all the masseuses talking and walking past. As time ticked slower and slower on I stared at the roof.

How have I got myself in to this.

As she came back I got another mortifying fright. She had crept in and had said something behind my head with no warning! 

She took the rocks the towels and the cling film off and as you could imagine it was hot in there so once again I was freezing. Then it hit me, how will I get the mud off?

I hoped it had just started raining but no - it was a shower! Which was tucked away in the corner. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. I stepped into the shower and she stood out of she shower opposite me rubbing her arm. As I followed suit the mud slid off and went down the drain with all of my hopes and dreams.

As I got out she gave me a towel and I dried my self. She was still watching me. After I was done she handed me another paper thong, was it a souvenir? She pointed to the bed and I lay face down with my face through a little hole in the bed. I guess this was the massage part! She gave me a full body massage which would have been lovely but the whole ordeal had been very overwhelming for me.

After it was over I put on my swimsuit and robe. I said thanks and awkwardly sort of half bowed at her so she knew I was thankful for her time. I went to the waiting room and saw Alona sitting there was the same look on her face. 

We have never been the same since.

Went for a bottle of wine after :)