Individuality

Living in Slovakia made me grow very aware of how I looked. Everyone there is tall, slim and always ready to face the day with perfect hair, full face of makeup and nice clothes.  Even after five years of living there I couldn't achieve this everyday because frankly I could be bothered, but fair play to anyone who is.

Another thing about living in Slovakia is people are very honest and direct, especially if they are your friends, they believe they are helping you but what can sometimes be misconstrued for rather offensive and affronting.

Even the children in Slovakia had high beauty standards. The children were perfectly dressed with the boys having professional fades and the girls in perfectly placed ponytails.

I wanted to fit however, the last place I wanted to be in the world was in a Gym. 

Going to the gym was I would say a normal part of Slovak life, it was very comment for the men to be really built with large shoulders. The women to be very thin. It would be usual to see people walking in and out of gyms looking fantastic. I didn’t want to go into the gym because I know I would be judged and if I’m honest, no one wants to look like a sweaty mess beside arguably the world's most pretty men.

I wanted to look like them. I wanted to be tall and thin and have sharp cheeks. I wanted to look like people who were genetically different to me. I know I wasn't born six foot, I have wide shoulders and my hair is just naturally all over the place.

I became very aware of everything about myself. I could see I was different than all my friends and my clothes made me stand out.

I started by changing the way I was eating. I tried diet after diet. I tried to go vegan but the food quality in Slovakia is of a low standard and a lot of the time when you buy vegetables by the time you are home they are not quite right.

In between diets I started getting my nails done like everyone else. I wanted to keep a small bit of my individuality and could get one had painted a slightly different colour to my other one. However, this  was pointed out to me a lot of the time and the expression

‘nie normálne’ (not normal) was used.

I talked with my friend and he said he wouldn't date anyone who didn't have the perfect haircut. What kind of standards are placed on people here. What even is a normal haircut?

I had a wardrobe rehall and made a keep and a donate pile. I wanted to look as put-together as everyone else.

I got rid of a lot of my coloured clothes narrowing my wardrobe down to plane t-shirt and simple jeans. 

I started dressing more conservatively and working hard on the way that I looked. 

The plastic tips on the end of my fingers just didn't look right on me but I kept getting them redone every month. I wanted to wear my batman leggings because they were comfortable but instead would wear jeans. I got got an ordinary backpack that looked non offensive to everyone.

My life over hall had started to consume me. I would look at what other people and wonder if they felt this pressure to look a certain way. It was consuming my every thought.

I was making myself deeply unhappy pushing myself to do things I didn't want to do in order for a stranger to think I looked nice. It had to break, I couldn't keep pushing myself to fit into an ideal I truly didn't understand.

I stopped getting my nails done and relaxed a little bit. I was going insane trying to look perfect!

Now I have left Slovakia I still try to be put together, and wear conservative clothes however living out of a backpack, this is not always possible. Sometimes I looked like a drowned rat, or like I am in my pjs but I have realised that putting that pressure on myself wasn't healthy.

Seeing the different standards in different places has just made me realise how silly I was to try and look like I am from Slovakia, when I am from Scotland.