I Got A Pea

I love the Balkans. I truly do. However the one thing that is lacking here is decent toilets and with each toilet comes a new surprise.

One time me and Alona went to pee and as I locked the door I turned around and through a giant hole in the wall I could see Alona bright as day. Another few times I have walked into what can only be described as a janitors cupboard with a hole in the floor, or a giant room with a toilet with no seat or flush. I believe people hover above the seats as a lot of the time there is pee all over the toilet seat and the floor.

We were waiting for the bus and I was bursting for a pee so we headed down the stairs towards the WC. It was 30 cents each for some toilet paper and entry into the toilet. 

I walked in front of Alona and I gingerly opened the door to find a corridor with an old dripping sink in which the tap was attached to what looked like a giant hot water boiler. The ones you see at the highland games for making tea. 

The floor was soaking wet a little like a shower room after you have been swimming. In the corridors were little spiders all tucked up in there webs. I looked left there were five doors each of which was open. 

As I tiptoed through the cold drenched floor towards the door my heart was not full of hope. I looked into the first cubicle and it was a squat toilet. I wish it was this fancy The floor was even wetter inside the cubical and it had a funny smell as there was a tap very close to the floor just constantly running out a stream of water down the squat toilet, the seat was covered in, well I am not sure, and the window up above was smashed and you could see peoples feet as they walked passed. 

I kept a brave face and kept walking through the cold wet floor trying my best to find dry pieces of floor to stand on. At this moment in time I have never needed to pee so much in my life! 

The last cubicle was the winner. It was a squat toilet, the floor was also wet but not as badly as cubicals one to four but enough to find it alarming. Despite the tap sporadically dripping water onto the floor, the toilet was a little cleaner than the others. 

I looked at Alona as if it might be our final goodbyes. It was clear she would rather piss herself than pee there. She had a look I have never seen before on her face much like I had just told her to eat her dinner off it.

I was on the verge of pissing myself so I nodded at Alona so she knew I had had a good life.

I closed the door and went to lock it while standing on the very point of my toes wondering how had it come to this. I reached for the wet (how it was wet I have no idea) slimy lock and to my horror there was a slight bit of mold on it, I used a bit of the toilet paper to twiddle the lock shut. Mortified, I throw the paper down the squat toilet just to look up at a giant red sign with words I didn't understand with a picture on it of not doing what I had just done. Oops.

I approached the toilet with only my toes on the floor and there were two feet holders on the toilet. You could see the drain and the entrance to hell, it was one of the most horrific things I have ever seen but I thought it might be better than peeing myself on a seven hour bus journey. 

 I placed my feet on the two sides of the toilet 

‘BREAGH I AM GETTING OUT OF HERE.’ Boomed through the echoey desolate toilet.

This startled me and I half slipped on the porcelain toilet. Thank the sweet lord Jesus that I caught myself on the wall behind me or I would have been face down in the water!

Get.Me.Out.Of.Here 

That's all I could hear; I’m listening brain!

As the world's fastest pee ever was finished I opened the lock and splashed my way to the sink frantically cleaning my hand then I ran out to find Alona standing there with the same look on her face. 

I spared her the details. I would not exactly call myself high maintenance but I think 30 cents to degrade yourself is quite expensive.